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I\'d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, \'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don\'t believe?
Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.
Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.
The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn\'t get bigger or heavier.
I\'m not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It\'s just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.
So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.
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Why don\'t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
I think \'Hail to the Chief\' has a nice ring to it.
You can pretend to be serious; you can\'t pretend to be witty.
Don\'t sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.
Maybe this world is another planet\'s Hell.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.
Devlin\'s First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin\'s Second Law - So can PowerPoint.
Raymond\'s Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog\'s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.
Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.
God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.
Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.
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Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
If it wasn\'t for C, we\'d be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.
The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
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I don\'t know why we are here, but I\'m pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.
UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.
Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.
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Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It\'s the transition that\'s troublesome.
Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.
Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.
The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
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Finagle\'s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law\'s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.
Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.
We didn\'t lose the game; we just ran out of time.
The company doesn\'t tell me what to say, and I don\'t tell themwhere to stick it.
In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.
The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment
If you can count your money, you don\'t have a billion dollars.
Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.
There\'s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one\'s doubts.
I have not failed. I\'ve just found 10,000 ways that won\'t work.
Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.
Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
If you are going through hell, keep going.
Hearing nuns\' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, \'Where have I gone wrong?\' Then a voice says to me, \'This is going to take more than one night.\'
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UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.
Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one\'s work is terribly important.
There\'s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it\'s more likely to be female.
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The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
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C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.
Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.
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Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes
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Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.
In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it\'s the exact opposite.
C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.
It\'s impossible to experience one\'s death objectively and still carry a tune.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
You can pretend to be serious; you can\'t pretend to be witty.
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In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.
Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.
The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.
If you can\'t get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you\'d best teach it to dance.
Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That\'s where we come in; we\'re computer professionals. We cause accidents.
The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There\'s also a negative side
The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.
I don\'t approve of political jokes... I\'ve seen too many of them get elected.
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All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.
In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I\'ve only ever had one.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law\'s peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
Only one man ever understood me, and he didn\'t understand me.
The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there\'s no risk of accident for someone who\'s dead.
The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.
It is better to be quotable than to be honest.
There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.
USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.
I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.
Lohr\'s Law: The future is merely the past with a twist ? and better tools.
Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don\'t work, those that break down and those that get lost.
War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.
They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I\'m going to miss mine by just a few days.
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If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.
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Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.
Heav\'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn\'d, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn\'d.
To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
The right to swing my fist ends where the other man\'s nose begins.
A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.
I\'ve just learned about his illness. Let\'s hope it\'s nothing trivial.
People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog\'s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
Love is the answer - but while you\'re waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.
... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.
The trouble with the Internet is that it\'s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?
A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.
Biologically speaking, if something bites you it\'s more likely to be female.
When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
I have not failed. I\'ve just found 10,000 ways that won\'t work.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he\'ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
Finagle\'s Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
It\'s not that I\'m afraid to die, I just don\'t want to be there when it happens.
I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.
There\'s many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.
A good sermon should be like a woman\'s skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
If you can count your money, you don\'t have a billion dollars.
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If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?
A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.
O\'Toole\'s Corollary of Finagle\'s Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.
If you can read this you\'re not aiming in the right direction.
What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don\'t seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.
Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn\'t.
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.
The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a \'C\', the idea must be feasible.
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A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.
There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.
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I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn\'t it.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn\'t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
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Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.
When ideas fail, words come in very handy.
They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.
Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.
Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.
It\'s impossible to experience one\'s death objectively and still carry a tune.
A hen is only an egg?s way of making another egg.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said \'You\'ve been promoted\'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said \'You\'ve been promoted again\'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said \'You\'re managing director.\' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said \'What happened to you?\' And I Said \'I careered off the road.\'
Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.
In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.
Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.
A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.
As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air ? however slight ? lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.
We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?
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In the begining there was nothing and God said \'Let there be light\', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
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The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn\'t mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.
My last cow just died, so I won\'t need your bull anymore.
I Can\'t Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don\'t Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.
Yes, I\'m fat, but you\'re ugly and I can go on a diet.
A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.
The difference between \'involvement\' and \'commitment\' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was \'involved\' - the pig was \'committed\'.
The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.
And God said, \'Let there be light\' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.
Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.
If you can count your money, you don\'t have a billion dollars.
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A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT\'S relativity.
Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?
If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
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Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.
Silence is argument carried out by other means.
Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it
It\'s the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.
Once you\'ve written TBicycle, you never forget how.
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you\'ll be happy; if not, you\'ll become a philosopher.
The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there\'s no law against whacking them around a bit.
A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.
Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.
Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I\'ll waste no time reading it.
Happiness is good health and a bad memory.
Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.
I\'m fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.
If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he\'ll understand why some people think golf is exciting.
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
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My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn\'t take it out of my garden.
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The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.
Hearing nuns\' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.
I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.
All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.
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Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.
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Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.
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Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.
I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.
Humor is also a way of saying something serious.
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
If quantum physics doesn\'t confuse you then you don\'t understand it.
In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.
Hearing nuns\' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
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There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?
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Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.
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最終更新日 : 2012/01/17/(Tue) 17:38
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